i wish my penis had a tongue
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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