I think my vagina is haunted
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
