I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
