the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i love accidental penises.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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