sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
just tell him i said nine months
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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