Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
