There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
