just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
