tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
