just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
