what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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