you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
the raccoons are back...
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