Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
