remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
