I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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