i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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