pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
