All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
