First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
