Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
