just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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