And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
