I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
