I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
