I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
