so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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