Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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