Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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