I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
it's great music for shaving your balls
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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