Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
