The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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