Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
