Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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