mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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