she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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