Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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