I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
