Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Randomize