I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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