dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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