she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
