he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
