How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
