When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We had to coat check the pizza.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize