Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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