I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
