you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
