This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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