god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
