i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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