I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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