I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
