he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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