Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
