you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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