During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
