sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
