Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
