Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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