I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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