If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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